It has been awhile since I have posted, because I have struggled with exactly what I wanted to say with this post. I wanted to be careful and intentional.
Being LDS or Mormon has always caused a great deal of reaction from people around me. I could write pages and pages of personal experiences I have had. Some very good. Most, unfortunately, have involved others handing me REALLY heavy emotional baggage of their own to carry. I used to let it weigh me down. I used to not see it for what it was.
It seems that whenever I have chosen to practice what I believe, there is also a flurry of emotions from those around me. In this case, most other Mormons are supportive. They get it. Some good friends who may or may not be religious at all are very supportive also.
This time, the love and support, as well as the terrible things people have had to say to my family have given me pause. I had to digest the idea that Joel and I being pregnant would be such a big deal. It is to us- naturally- but to everyone else. So it must be something important. This baby is important.
In Mormon belief, we were created as spirit children to our Heavenly Father, and we lived with him before we were born. So - this baby has an eternal spirit that I knew before I was born. It is a separate being from me, with its own personality, strengths, and spiritual history. We believe that forming families and creating bodies, and creating a nurturing space for spirits to come to earth, is the most important thing you can do in this life. The reason that Christ lived, died, and was resurrected was for this purpose. The reason His church exists is for the support of the human family.
After the experiences I have had recently with people, I am even more convinced that I once was, that reminders of this truth cause the reaction I have received. The positive reactions are obvious, its the negative ones that I find to be the most interesting:
"This idea has some sort of hold on me for some reason- and I can't deal with the lack of not having all the answers...I am anxious."
"If this life event had happened to ME, I would be totally freaked out. Its not something I am ready for, the idea of it makes me extremely anxious."
"I derive my self-image from my work, and my accomplishments in life. I can't comprehend leaving any part of that behind or allowing anything else in my life that might change that for me. I don't know any other way to feel worthwhile or whole."
"I am so self-conscious that I have to maintain complete control of my environment, including others around me. I view this baby as an event that would be happening TO me, and that causes more pain that I want to deal with right now. I would not want this event to be happening in my life."
However, people don't say those emotionally honest things, they say: (All things that have been said to either Joel or I since we announced the pregnancy)
"Are you crazy?"
"I am glad you told me it wasn't planned, I was seriously doubting if you guys understood your lives, and could not understand WHY you would do this to yourselves."
"So that's it? You're just going to walk away from your education and your work?"
"What is this going to do to your other children?"
This was from a family member. FAMILY: "Joel forced you to do this didn't he? Even though he knew you were sick last year..."
"I don't have to tell you about naivety... "
I will stop here. The extremely sad truth is- the worst things that have been said, are from people that have this truth about family. A few not, and it makes it easier to sympathize with what they are feeling because they do not believe as I do.
This experience has drawn me to the undeniable conclusion that the work of family is important. Being a Mormon is important, but also openly practicing what I believe is important. I am not perfect, far from it, and I have made mistakes and taken wrong turns at times. I understand more than I did a few weeks ago that this is worth fighting for, its worth the daily work of a U-turn, the consistent self-evaluation of getting back on the road, the daily tasks of maintenance, the humility of getting dirty to make things right, and being content with just the wind and the rhythm of a smooth road... and what I have found is that the hum of the road is sweet.
As the father of 7, I have gotten many less than positive comments about having a lot of kids. Being LDS, I am saddened at the trend I see in my generation (inside and outside of the LDS community) for having fewer and fewer children. The US is at its lowest birth rate in recorded history. Some countries in Europe don't have enough workers to fill the jobs and offer ridiculous tax incentives to have children. There's room. I am happy for you, Shantel. Babies are miracles. We lost one at 19 weeks a few months ago, and we were reminded again how precious life is. On our deathbeds, we're not going to care about money, jobs, accomplishments etc, but we will care about our family.
ReplyDeleteI wanted more children but (so far) that has not been a possibility. I'm thankful this little spirit gets to join your loving family.
ReplyDeleteIt is so intetesting that you have had these experiences, sad really. Since the time I found out about your happy news I have thought a lot about your family, and all I could think of "what a lucky child to be born into this family." I should have written earlier, and maybe it's too late to show my support, but I love your family and wish you all the best. though next year I want to see you and your baby! :)
ReplyDeleteYou were never a consideration for the downside of this post. I thought you guys were my first cheerleaders!!!! I was SO SAD when I realized Europe wasn't going to happen. You were so great about it, that it helped with the transition my brain had to make. Love you!
DeleteI know it's very easy to say, but care not what others say or think! It is nobody's business! Continue as you always have with everything you do...you show us how to truly live, for a "life without convictions is not worth living at all." It is one very blessed soul that gets brought into your beautiful family. I personally send you my love and support.
DeleteI think many families with larger than 2.-whatever families can relate to this. I have 3 and don't view my family as "large" by any stretch --but I've received similarly surprising commentary. When you are pregnant, you get what you have listed above. When you are not, it is the same--but different words.
ReplyDelete"Oh, you have boys and a girl so now you're done, right?"
"Oh good. You don't have to have any more."
"Three! Wow. That's a lot of work"
Um...yes? Isn't life about the joy that comes from work. And I can't think of anything more fulfilling than the work of FAMILY.
Loved this post, Shantel. I am so excited for your family!
While Rochelle was pregnant with our sixth child, we got tired of some of the comments, questions, and suggestions (veiled and not-so-veiled). I started telling people that we were simply trying for twins. Most people knew I was joking, but the others who believed me...well they already thought we were strange. One of our friends told us that he was the seventh and final child in his family. He was so grateful that his parents had one more child and brought him into their family that he knew he had to make sure he had at least seven of his own to get them all there. Another friend told us how his mother told him not to listen to the world and just have a few children, like seven of them. He and his wife ended up having seven children...just a few.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and her husband, who have chosen to be childless (at least for the time being, they may adopt later), and who are in their 30s, get asked ridiculous questions and told things like "you're not getting any younger" and "you can only be happy with children!" all the time. Deciding how one's family is going to be constructed is a very personal matter. I find it amazing and appalling that people who don't live under the same roof would feel the need to express their opinions on these matters.
ReplyDelete